if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
