why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
