Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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