who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
