and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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