My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
