If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
