I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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