There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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