Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
