life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
