You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
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nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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