Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
