i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
