meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
