I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
