I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
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We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?