So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
