White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.