update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.