apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.