You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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