3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
