you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
