I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
