My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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