God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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