I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"