Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
