shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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