She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
