my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
