I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
