I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Life is so much better after having sex.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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