If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
