So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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