I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
