I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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