Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wish there were birth control emojis
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
