when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
