If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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