Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't deserve a penis
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
