we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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