That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
