Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
