I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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