Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
