real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
