I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
