when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
