I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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