so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
