gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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