I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
