He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
