Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
