i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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