I faked an abortion last night.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
