Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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