Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
