I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
COCAINE IS GR8
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
