I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
