Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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