Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
