The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
